The Royal Wedding is now less than one month away. It’s time to scour your city and the Web for all things Anglo-fabulous. Your watch party has to have everything: Wills & Kate paper dolls, Wills & Kate refrigerator, Royal Wedding Pez dispensers, Crown Jewel Condoms …

What? 

Oh, you saw yourself cozied up to some stale Hobnobs and lukewarm Lipton down to grandma’s?

Sorry, sister – UKate only knows one way to throw a watch party for the Intergalactic Royalest Event of the Century. And if that means you picking your Union Jack panties off the chandelier the next day, then, you’re welcome.

Over the coming weeks, UKate will have tips and ideas for you to make your watch party the best on the block. Let’s get started by stocking up on ten Royal Wedding swag items, handpicked by Telegraph writer, Lucy Jones:

1. Royal Wedding fake nails

Not for the faint-hearted but definitely on trend, these nail acrylics part the serious royalists from the rest. We’ve already got quite a crew of Telegraph journalists who have pledged to get them on the week of the wedding, including Tom Chivers and Will Heaven would you believe. Next step, a Wills and Kate tattoo. (Hat/Tip @RoyalWeddingTat)

2. Royal Wedding Potatoes

Gardening Express’s regal spuds are more pink, purple and yellow than red, white and blue but they deserve a top spot for imagination. Highland Burgundy Red, Salad Blue and British Queen can be used to make novelty mash, chips or roast potatoes. Unfortunately it’s too late now for me to plant the seeds in time for my royal wedding party.

3. Royal Wedding Pies

A Kate and Wills pie made with British beef, wine, bacon, pearl onions, mushrooms and a dash of brandy and a Royal Pear pie made with poached pears, rum and Fairtrade chocolate have been launched by Pieminister. You can get them in their shops in Bristol, Sainsbury’s for the savoury one, and Waitrose for the sweet one. As someone who has had many festival morning sweetened by Pieminister, I can attest that they will be scrumptious.

4. Royal Wedding phone cases

Tea cosies and plates are so 1981. And these iPhone cases are so naff they’re brilliant.

5. Royal Wedding Pez dispensers

These sweet holders are perfect for well-wishers down at Buckingham Palace on the 29th who need a sugary pick-me-up.

6. Crown Jewels condoms

Erm, I’ll let the website do the talking, but they do promise a “royal union of pleasure.” They’re also quick to point out that the Royal family have not approved the novelty item.

7. Royal Wedding love hearts

They’re simple but will be a nice addition to a street party spread. All the sweets say “Just Married.” And they’re white which everyone knows is the best flavour.

6. Royal Wedding cupcakes

The best wedding cupcakes I’ve see so far are made by Patrick Cox’s Soho bakery, Cox Cookies and Cake. The range will be available a couple of weeks before the wedding. This Crown Cake will tempt even the hardest republicans:

9. Royal Wedding engagement ring replica

Props to the people brazenly churning out copies of Kate Middleton’s ring because it’s not clear who in their right mind would ever wear one. Creepy but fabulous.

10. Royal Wedding trifle

Trust Heston to come up with something that sounds even more delicious than a classic British trifle. The pudding he’s created for Waitrose replaces custard with cream infused with saffron, the jelly base with strawberry compote, and the sponge with Amaretto biscuits soaked in Marc. My favourite bit is the topping: sprinkles of rose petals, caramel almonds and dried strawberries.

For an event as extraordinary as the upcoming royal nuptials between William and Kate, one thing will be quite ordinary – Prince Harry’s best-man toast.

When interviewed by the BBC in the Arctic Circle, where he has been on a Walking with the Wounded expedition, Harry revealed the speech at the private reception will be “pretty standard, hopefully. Just the same as any other best-man speech.”

Best Man, Best Mates!

He added, “It’s me and a couple of his friends, so between the three of us, we’ll make sure that we dig him in the ribs a few times and embarrass him. Make him lose some hair.”

When asked about the wedding itself, Harry seemed to be in great spirits, revealing he is ready to complete the expedition and get back to London “putting on a uniform and strolling down the aisle with him.”

“It is quite a big affair,” Harry says. “I think if [William] had his way, he would love to have a small wedding with just his really close friends. But, you know, we are who we are, and the position comes with it, and the role comes with it.”

Harry is also quite excited about finally gaining a sister with Kate and welcomes her into the family. He shared with ABC’s Bob Woodruff, “She’s a fantastic girl, she really is, my brother is very lucky. She’s very lucky to find my brother. The two of them are a classic match.”

But when asked to reveal details of William’s stag party last weekend, Harry was as loyal as ever, “Nice, try getting me to talk about the stag weekend. That was never going to happen.”

Sounds like some good old-fashioned brotherly love going on there!

To see the Woodruff’s entire interview with Prince Harry, head over to ABC’s Good Morning America!

Readers, you know the drill…

Boy meets girl.

Boy makes girl wait an eternity while he “sows his wild oats” and tries to make a decision if he really wants to commit.

Boy finally realizes after umpteen years and loads of one-night-stands later that the classier girl is “the one”.

Boy buys (or in this case, inherits) a nice size ring to give said girl.

Then begins the battle of the wedding bands – the guy doesn’t want one. He says that he doesn’t need to sport a ring to prove his love (while hanging on to one last bit of subconscious singledom). Wife-to-be sees straight through this and cries out, “Oh Hell no!”  

Ring is purchased for both parties; boy defeated. That is, unless you are marrying the future king of England. And then princess-to-be just grins and bears it!

Yes friends, you’ve guessed it. It is now time for the procurement of the wedding rings and Wills has decided he is not going to wear a band.

Como, what?

Indeed. A spokesman from Clarence House confirms to People that, “There is only going to be one ring, in accordance with the couple’s wishes.” (Make that, Wills wishes. And we know who calls the shots in that relationship.)

But don’t get your royal panties in a wad quite yet. Apparently this is nothing new for the Windsor clan as the source added, “It’s quite common for there to just be the one ring in society or royal weddings. It’s been the same in other royal weddings, so it’s not a rare occurrence.”

Both Prince Edward and Prince Andrew both chose to wear a signet bearing their Coat of Arms instead of a traditional wedding band.

Prince Charles actually does wear a small wedding band tucked behind his signet now that he is married to Camilla. Interestingly enough, he didn’t wear a band while married to Princess Diana – and we all know how that turned out!

Don’t feel too sorry for Kate. She will be receiving a wedding band. And unlike yours, it’s not of the Zales variety.  No judgment readers, we know by this point you’ve blown your budget on everything else – a better band can come later.

This ring is going to be made from gold mined from Welsh mountains that has been kept in the royal vaults – which we’re pretty sure have been guarded for years while marinating in lions tears and fairy dust.

The Queen has “given a piece of the gold that has been in the family for many years to Prince William as a gift,” a palace source says.

Of course, an expert (rumored likely to be Crown Jeweler Harry Collins) will spend hours tediously crafting the nugget into a piece of jewelry fit for a future queen.

Well, this better be a good one. She’ll need something good to stand up to that other rock on her finger. And don’t worry, Kate. We’re certain that everyone will know Wills is off-the-market when they see him at the club.

Not that it matters. It’s been our experience that the ring just makes stage-four clingers want you even more – and we’re not royalty.

We love dreaming about what Kate’s life will be like after April 29th … rolling around naked on priceless Tudor tapestries … fashioning mini-skirts out of Richard the Lionheart’s old chainmail … sidling up to the crown jewels in her jammies, just cuz.

Gather ye shellfish while ye may ...

Ah yes, there are myriad whimsies awaiting a new princess let loose in the palaces.

But as any gal whose got hitched knows, there are also things you give up on your wedding day. For our Kate, those are writ large as well.

It’s all tiaras and titles until somebody loses her identity. So, toss your wedding ring in the junk drawer and pour a big sleazy glass of bum wine for this bittersweet look at what Kate stands to lose.

[Originally published by All Voices.]

1. Be referred to as ‘Kate’

When Kate Middleton joins the House of Windsor this year, her official title will become ‘Her Royal Highness the Princess William of Wales’.

She can be addressed as ‘Catherine’ or ‘Ma’am’ (pronounced like ‘ham’). But ‘Kate’ isn’t going to cut it anymore by Royal standards.

Clarence House officials will probably wine and dine London’s Royal correspondents and then ask them to please refer to Kate as ‘Catherine’ in the future. But we think they will refuse to do this. Something to do with search engine keywords.

2. Vote

Technically, the Queen and other members of her family are allowed to vote, but they do not do so because in practice it would be considered unconstitutional and not in accordance with the need for neutrality.

This is in keeping with the Royal Family’s public role, which is based on identifying with every section of society, including minorities and special interest groups.

3. Run for political office

For the reasons stated above, this is also a no no.

4. Escape the scrutiny

As arguably Britain’s most dysfunctional family, the Monarchy provides the British public with a generous source of voyeuristic entertainment, and an opportunity for heartless slander.

Having already been under the media spotlight for the best part of nine years, Kate has copped her fair share of criticism from the media over the most mundane and insignificant of things.

She’s a commoner. She’s an outrageous social climber. She’s not outgoing enough. Her mum is an air hostess who uses the word ‘toilet’.

The public watchdog will be onto Kate 24/7, so when she slips on that tiara come 29 April she will damn well have to make sure it’s a pretty one. But not too pretty. That would be exhibitionist.

This scrutiny will grow existentially and extend to all aspects of her life. Did you know the Middleton family can only trace their roots back to the mid-1500s? So what were they up to in 1483 then? They must be hiding something.

5. Play Monopoly

In 2008, Prince Andrew, Duke of York, said that the Royal Family was not allowed to play Monopoly at home “because it gets too vicious”. No member of the family has yet revealed what they play in its place during the Christmas holidays.

6. Say or do anything controversial

This includes accepting large amounts of money from ‘businessmen’ for access to your husband and getting your toes sucked in public by your financial adviser. You know who you are, Fergs.

But it also encompasses Kate’s expression of her preferred political position, social position, sexual position – basically anything within the realms of personality.

So far she has succeeded seamlessly in this, not putting a foot wrong in any situation. Granted though, the world has only heard her speak once after her and William’s engagement and that was a heavily rehearsed affair.

7. Eat shellfish

British Royals are apparently never served shellfish, because of a fear of food poisoning. So if Kate can’t live without crustaceans, she will have to seek them out in her own time.

8. Work

It is well known that Royals and careers don’t mix well. As proven when Prince Charles’ plan to work part time in a factory failed and Countess Sophie Wessex was forced to abandon her PR firm.

In Kate’s case though, the whole unemployment scenario shouldn’t be too difficult to handle. At 29 years of age she is the oldest spinster ever to marry a future king, and though she has a History of Art degree and years of life experience, Kate has spurned work wherever possible.

This is unless you count seven months as a casual accessories buyer for clothing chain Jigsaw and a short time working for the family company, Party Pieces.

Pinned by some as the unemployed woman marrying into a welfare family, we’re reckoning the guys at Buckingham will keep her busy by sending her to lots of boat launches and pancake flipping gigs.

9. Sign anything unofficial

As a potential future counsellor of state if William becomes king, Kate might at some stage have to sign government papers and brings legislation into force in her husband’s place.

People in this position are strictly not supposed to sign anything that could lead to their signature being copied and forged.

Last year Prince Harry was in hot water when he flouted this rule by signing the plaster cast of a girl who had fractured her arm, a media report said.

The 17-year-old from Leicestershire was so excited she said her cast would be “going in a glass box”, which the Queen might not have been too happy about.

10 Finish her dinner

If she is a slower eater than her grandmother-in-law, Kate could go hungry. In Britain, when the Queen stops eating, you stop as well, fork in hand.

It looks like Wills wasn’t the only one celebrating his final days of singledom last week.  And considering the hoopla around the wedding, both parties were way more lame than glitzy.

The Daily Mail reports that Kate’s hen party has come and gone in low-key style, with her celebrating a private event attended by a small group of close friends.

As we had previously reported, Kate’s younger sister Pippa, ever the hostess with the mostest, is believed to have organized the gathering, which was held at the house of a close friend. It had been rumored the party would take place at the Middleton family home in Bucklebury, Berkshire, but plans were changed when Kate worried about looming photographers.

According to NBC’s Today Show, “Believed to have been present were Olivia Bleasdale, who shared a flat with Kate and the prince at St Andrews University, and Astrid Harbord, who was once romantically linked to Prince Harry.”

They added,  “Alicia Fox-Pitt, a school friend from Marlborough and a fellow member of the Sisterhood dragon boat crew; Rose Astor, the wife of Prince William’s close friend Hugh van Cutsem; and Alice Hadden-Paton, who is married to Mr. van Cutsem’s younger brother, Nicholas, were also thought to have received an invitation.”

Any hopes of seeing Kate and her gaggle of girlfriends in rare-form will have to wait. Guess being a princess-in-waiting means keeping everything classy and not appearing too worse for wear close to the wedding date. Sounds a little “dry” to us!

It appears as though William’s stag party was a little less like “The Hangover” than we had hoped.

The groom-to-be celebrated the end of his single status with about 20 friends on an estate in Norfolk, Britain, according to the Telegraph and Daily Mail.

Prince Harry and nightclub owner, Guy Pelly, were in charge of the weekend of festivities, which we had expected to be full of debauchery. Although we’ll never know what really went down – all guests had been sworn to secrecy – we do know that plans were changed after word had gotten out that the initial plan was to have a weekend full of extreme water sports.

When asked about the party, Thomas van Straubenzee, an expected guest would only say, “I’m very sorry but I have got to keep it a secret. I hope you understand.”

Don’t worry, Tom. We totally get the “Bro-Code.”

Costs were said to be kept down for the event, with the Daily Express reporting that the total tag on the weekend was not expected to exceed £2,700 (US $3,988).

When asked about the weekend, a palace spokesman said, “I can confirm that Prince William’s stag party has taken place.”

Pretty lame. We hope more details emerge soon.

Next up? Kate’s turn at her hen do! We certainly are looking forward to hearing all about that one!

Fiona Cairns, Fruitcake Baker Extraordinaire

It has been announced that William and Kate have made their cake choices for the big day – and there will be two!

Taking center stage will be a multi-tiered traditional fruitcake designed by Fiona Cairns, whose bakery is located in Leicestershire. Also on the reception menu is a chocolate-cookie cake being made by McVitie’s biscuit company.

People reports that the fruitcake will have a British “floral theme” with each of the tiers of the icing-covered, brandy-flavored cake having a different theme. “Detailed piping is being used to make 3-D scrollwork, flowers, leaves and other decorative touches, while the flowers of the four corners of the U.K. will be represented by the English rose, Scottish thistle, Welsh daffodil and Irish shamrock.”

“There is the bridal rose, which symbolizes happiness, the oak and acorn – which is an architectural detail around the room where the cake will be – symbolizes strength and endurance. There is a lily of the valley, which symbolizes sweetness and humility, and ivy leaves, which symbolize marriage.”

One of the flowers chosen for the cake is even called, “Sweet William.” Cute.

She also revealed to People that Kate has been in the driver’s seat for the cake planning, meeting Cairns at Clarence House in London six weeks ago. “She has guided us right from the beginning and has quite strong ideas,” Cairns says. “That makes it much easier than a bride who has absolutely no idea whatsoever, which has happened in the past.”

The chocolate-cookie cake will also be provided for sweet-toothed William. McVitie’s biscuit company, who made a cake for the Queen and Duke of Edinburgh’s 60^th wedding anniversary has been commissioned to make the cake from a favorite Windsor recipe. The few-hundred slices of cake being served-up at the Buckingham Palace shindig will contain about 35 pounds of chocolate and approximately 1,700 McVitie’s Rich Tea biscuits.

Sounds like someone is putting their diet on hold for the day!

Call us crazy, but we think we’d pass on the fruitcake. We just don’t get the love-fest the Brits have with the stuff! But that cookie cake sure does sound tasty!

Happy weekend, readers! We are down to 33 days until the nuptials - keep a watch on the Royal Wedding Countdown on our site. That puppy is ticking down quick!

Thanks to all of our readers for continuing to show us the love! And welcome to all of our new readers; we look forward experiencing the ride with you!

Here is this week’s ”Weekly Roundup” on all news Kate. We’ve learned a little more about the catty social circles Kate has and will continue to endure! Wills gave a hint while in Australia that the newlyweds may choose to honeymoon Down Under. And finally, we found a list of  “what not to-dos” just in case you get your invitation to the wedding!

Below are a few of our favorite UKate posts from this week as well as other exciting news on Kate, the wedding, fashion and other Anglophile flourishes!

Is Kate Living A Day In the Life of the Real Housewives of Kensington Palace? UKate

Hide the Exotic Dancers and Get Ready for Hangovers! Wills’ Stag-Do is Happening This Very Weekend! US Magazine

A Few Rules to Keep in Mind if You’re Lucky Enough to Attend the Royal Wedding! UKate

Prince Harry Headed to the North Pole to Raise Funds for Wounded Troops. Good Man! Huffington Post

Are William and Kate Headed Down Under for their Honeymoon? UKate

A Look at Past Royal Wedding Bridal Veils. Yahoo! News

Looks Like iTunes Will be Selling the Royal Wedding Soundtrack. Will You Be Purchasing? cnet News

Kate Will Arrive to Westminster Abbey by Rolls-Royce; Leave by Carriage in True Princess Style! UKate

Prince Albert of Monaco and His Princess-to-Be, Charlene Wittstock (the other royals with a wedding this summer) are Set to Attend William and Kate’s Nuptials. People

William and Kate Release the List of Charities They Would Like You to Donate to In Lieu of Wedding Gifts. UKate

Top 10 Reasons Prince Harry is Now the World’s Most Eligible Bachelor. Not That We Needed Convincing! People

You’re just a regular ass girl from the Midwest, but somehow you scored an invitation to the royal wedding. Now what the heck do you do?

This wedding’s going to have everything: European royalty, military bigwigs, Gandalf, diplomats, unicorns, Posh & Becks, the intergalactically cool friends of Wills and Kate and now – you.

You consider yourself something of a sophisticate. You’ve made a solid commitment to stop buying jug wine; you’re open to trying non-nachos types of foods and you almost never adjust your Spanx in public.

You’re basically the fanciest person you know. But, the royal wedding on April 29th at Westminster Abbey is going to be a whole new level of high class — a minefield of faux pas waiting to happen — even for someone such as yourself.

Never fear, readers. UKate has your back on junk like this. These tips will help you make it through the wedding without being sent to The Tower for crimes against etiquette.

Don’t

Be late

First rule of the royal wedding – don’t be late. According to wedding planner and etiquette adviser Sarah Hayward, the queen should be the very last person to arrive at the church before the bride and her attendants.

For most weddings you can manage to leave your house about 30 minutes before it starts and still have plenty of time to pick up some panty hose at the drugstore to cover up your shoddy sunless tanning job, stuff a couple of Jacksons in a card and slump into the last pew before Pachelbel’s Canon starts. This strategy isn’t going to cut it at the royal wedding. With very high levels of security clogging up the works in London, you’re going to want to give yourself loads of time to arrive.

Tweet

Thumbing through your phone at the royal wedding will only make you look like a giant douche. You’re AT the wedding of the century – you literally don’t have anything better to do.

According to Hayward, it’s “an abuse of the invitation to take photos or tweet during the ceremony or any point in the day,” because this is a private event.

Better yet, just turn it off. Nothing is worth the risk of your grandma calling you mid-ceremony and the world learning of your Sir Mix-a-Lot ringtone in the most excruciating way possible.

Touch the Queen

As much as you’d love to prove to the world that you and Elizabeth II are bitches for life, a pals-y pat on the back could get you tackled by Beefeaters, Bobbies and the ghost of Braveheart. Watch your body language – this is a very high security situation.

“Never touch the queen. Never initiate conversation with her or any member of the royal family. They will do all that,” said Hayward.

Dress ostentatiously

Even though you’ve been dying to get another wear out of that “guava sunrise” colored bridesmaid’s gown from David’s Bridal that set you back 200 bones for your bitch Cindy’s wedding last summer – now is not the time. Hayward recommends wearing a dress that blends in. Not too short, not too skimpy and definitely not white. Most British women will accessorize with a hat or a totally sweet fascinator. When in Rome!

Get drunk

Even though the beverages are sure to be top shelf, this is not your boyfriend’s cousin’s wedding where you can just knock ‘em back, sloshing about in your rayon Gadzooks party dress and bumpit hair while assorted creepy uncles fetch you rum n’ Cokes all night.

No, this is one occasion you will want to remember the next day – so don’t gulp and always know how much alcohol you can handle.

“Don’t embarrass yourself (otherwise) for you can guarantee you will never be invited to this kind of wedding again,” Hayward said.

Eat like a maniac

Following the morning ceremony, some 600 guests will enjoy a reception at Buckingham Palace, resplendent with myriad cakes and dainty bites sprinkled with iridescent flavor crystals. Your church munchies will be raging and you will be tempted to get your grub on. But, Hayward advises guests to accept the offerings politely – that means no gobbling, gulping or wrapping foie gras medallions in balled up cocktail napkins and stuffing them into your purse for later. That kind of thing only works for Liz Lemon.

Bow like a high school thespian

The royal family no longer insists that people bow or curtsey, but most people still do when meeting the queen.

“Nothing too theatrical,” said Hanson. “Men should just bow from the neck — a nod really — and women should do a slight dip with their right foot behind their left foot.”

Overdoing it will only confirm you’re out of your element.

Sadly, we do not have a “to-do” list for you, readers. Did you think we were born in mansions or something? All we know is what not to do. So, when in doubt, just take cues from the people around you, keep your trap shut and look fabulous.

Good luck!

As UKate has reported, Kate and her stepmother-in-law-to-be, Camilla, have been seen out and about around London together quite a bit lately.

The twosome were first spotted lunching together with Kate’s sister (and Maid of Honor) Pippa and Camilla’s daughter, Laura. They were together again this past week taking in the London ballet with Prince Charles.

The love-fest seems to continue as the Duchess of Cornwall recently gave a major thumbs-up to Kate during a visit to London’s Covent Garden Academy of Flowers.

According to People, Camilla said of the future princess joining the family, “Kate’s a lovely girl. We’re very lucky. I’m very much looking forward to it.”

She also spoke with pride of her granddaughter, Eliza Lopes, being a part of the wedding as a bridesmaid adding, “She’s only 3, and it will be quite nerve-wracking for a little one. But she will enjoy it.”

Camilla also showed her humorous side while making a table decoration with some of the flowers, telling the students, “If I could do a few more of these, we could save money on the wedding.” (No doubt!)

Well Kate, whatever you’re doing to keep the peace with the ‘rents, keep it up. There is nothing worse than having in-laws you don’t get along with! Trust!

Well done!